Is it just me of does anyone else think that Madonna should just retire and stop traumatising me with her shite music?

I have to admit that when I was in the third-grade at Manchester Elementary school in Fresno and my mom had just allowed me to get a perm (yes, an Asian with a perm – what she was thinking I have no idea) and Madonnas first album came out I was excited. I bought it – on vinyl – and listened to it all the time. Thinking back, I also had the Ghostbusters soundtrack and thought that was pretty dope too so maybe I have absolutely no taste at all. I digress.

I loved True Blue. I had a huge crush on that boy with the blue eyes in the video. I love Desperately Seeking Susan. I dug it when Madonna got all lezboish. It was hot when she was dating Warren Beaty and fucking half of her bodyguards and dance instructors. And who didn’t love it when she put out the sex book and talked vaginas?

Like a Prayer was the best: Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. — in a Pepsi commercial with flaming crosses and hot, muscley black men.

So where did my love of Madge go sour?

Is it the kabbalah? Is it that shite movie Swept Away? Is it her annoying British accent? Is it her overly buffed upper arms? Is it her falling off the horse bullshit stunt? Is it her English manor home? Is her extremely hairy daughter Lordes? Is it her really stupid children’s books? Is it her floral print crap Prada dresses? Is it her super overlit Versace ads?

No. It is the fact that she puts out these crap albums over and over again. And I am sick of it.

And I must admit that I do hate the British accent.

I am now sitting in a hotel and this video Hung Up just came on. And that really seals the fact that I wish this bitch would retire. She is dancing on a freakin’ Dance Dance Revolution. How lame?!? Please retire. Please please please. Stop torturing me.

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love molecule Yes. I am a failure at relationships whenever they hit the 11 month mark. And up until now it had been written off to the fact that I am – selfish, self-centered, too career focused, you get the picture.

But now I just want all of my ex’s (some of whom are in Texas – actually I think 2 are) to know that it really isn’t my fault. It is just the way that I am wired.

Now, the question in my mind is, when the hell am I going to start receiving spam about NGF spray that makes me fall in love forever? If it hasn’t been invented maybe I should get cracking on my chemistry set. I’ll be the saver of marriages everywhere. Then again – maybe nature doesn’t intend you to be miserable and stuck with someone forever and this is their way of telling you that… Think about it.

Molecule gives passionate lovers just one year

ROME (Reuters) – Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It’s all part of falling passionately in love — and scientists now tell us the feeling won’t last more than a year.

The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.

The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the ‘love molecule’ in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the “social chemistry” between people at the start of a relationship.

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Maybe you are wondering. Geez, where has Stephanie gone.

Did she:

a) get eaten by a bear at Olde Hansa?
b) freeze to death in a blizzard?
c) eat too many pickles with sour cream and honey and choke?

The answer is NO to all of the above.

I am still alive and well. Living out of my second home here in the Merchant’s House Hotel in Tallinn. Getting to know my fellow Skype peeps. Getting to wander around and acclimate to the cold weather. Learning the ins and outs of cold weather tires. It is all a fascinating new experience for me, to be perfectly honest.

This last weekend I had the pleasure of being invited along on an Estonian birthday extravaganza on a train that consisted of drinking lots of vodka, eating pickles with sour cream and honey and also shot of vodka with onion (I didn’t try this due to my ultra-sensitive tummy). Don’t get me wrong, this was a Soviet style trip – but with a bunch of Estonians. Just to confuse you. But if you know my fondness of vodka then you can imagine that I was thrilled to find a trainload of really cool people that aren’t afraid to slam some shots (in fact they totally outdid little wimpy me).

Other things that I have become fond of in my time here:

  • Heated bathroom floors (awesome feature!)
  • Wifi access points everywhere – seriously it is such a wired place. You walk into any cafe or pub and there are a bunch of geeks on their laptops
  • American style shopping centers – ok, this isn’t something that I should be fond of, but I can’t help but being amazed by the fact that they have these huge grocery stores that totally outdo anything that I have seen in Europe in years
  • Good food and bars – this place abounds with really good (and terrifyingly hip) bars and restaurants that serve up great (and cheap) cocktails
  • Cheap taxis – well, I guess cheap because I am in the old town so the only real need for a taxi is to get to work and back – the rest of the time I can walk to wherever I want to go pretty quickly and easily
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    Had a flight booked yesterday from Tallinn, Estonia to Barcelona, Spain. KLM to Amsterdam and then changeover to Barcelona.

    Arrived at the airport 2 hours in advance. Went to check-in. Amazingly, no queue. Granted this is Tallinn airport, not exactly Heathrow. The woman at the check-in desk started to do her magic. Then looked up slightly confused and started speaking Estonian to her fellow deskclerk. Uh-oh, I think. My bags are definitely going to end up in Thailand or something. But after a few minutes of consultation things started to go fairly smoothly. I was given my boarding pass and sent on my merry little way.

    Went up to the restaurant upstairs and plugged myself into a wall socket while munching down on a surprisingly good blintz with red caviar, onion and sour creme. Sent a text message to the wifi provider and received my 24 hour pass for only 50EEK (roughly $4.00 – BARGAIN). Things were looking really good as the rest of my waiting time passed.

    Finally the flight was due to board so shuffled my butt through the security and passport control. Again, no problems.

    Arrived at the gate. No one was boarding. Flight was delayed for about 20 minutes, but that was OK because my wireless still worked at the gate.

    Flight starts to board. I get into the queue. I manage my way to the front shoving off over ambitious first time Russian travellers. I hand over my boarding pass.

    The agent looks at my boarding pass and asks where my ticket is.

    I have no ticket. My travel agency booked ticketless travel.

    I am asked to wait while the rest of the plane boards. I’m still OK at this point assuming that the newbie ticketing agent just pushed some wrong button hence all the confusion at the frontdesk. I sit down and continue enjoying my wireless connection.

    The agent calls to the ticketing desk. Then informs me that I haven’t actually paid for my ticket. Which prompts me to ask – why the hell did yo give me a boarding pass then???

    Turns out that P & O travel somehow ignored my request to issue my ticket yet still sent me a confirmation of my flight and reservation number. When I phone them, they admit their mistake but somehow try to pass the blame back to the airline by asking the same question that I had. Why the hell did they give me a boarding pass?

    In the midst of all this confusion and telephone calling, the agent REFUSES to speak to the travel agency by stating “I don’t talk to travel agents”. Then proceeds to call someone and tell them to offload my bags. At the same time, the travel agent is saying “I can issue your ticket right now, it will only take me 1 second, please tell them to hold on”.

    I look out the window. I see a little yellow luggage cart drive up the aircraft. I see them open the cargo hold and disappear inside.

    My suitcase magically appears and all of a sudden the entire plane is gone.

    And I am still sitting at the gate with nothing but my wireless connection and my hopes of arriving in Barcelona squashed.

    So whose fault was it? Amazingly, both parties managed to blame each other thereby deflecting any actually responsibility. Gotta love a scapegoat…

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    After spending this week getting caught up on the show Lost, I have been compiling a list of things that would have been helpful for the people on the island to have had with them.

    1. Hypodermic needles
    2. A Korean to English dictionary
    3. Extra large T-shirts
    4. Loads of extra batteries
    5. A soldering iron
    6. A gun and ammo
    7. Vodka
    8. Antibiotics
    9. Scissors or knives
    10. Sunblock
    11. Razor blades
    12. A lighter
    13. Heroin
    14. Diapers

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    After yesterday’s debacle, I received an email back in regards to my complaint.

    This was a portion of it:

    Dear Stephanie

    Thank you for your email.

    We are unable to make amendments to bookings at this address it will be
    necessary for you to call the Contact Centre and a travel advisor will
    be able to assist you. Your tickets may be upgraded to a higher fare
    for a fee only if there is availability.

    Basically, I had to phone their call center to figure out a way to buy my way out of this stupid error. And I did. For an additional

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    This is just a post to let everyone out there know that Virgin Atlantic airways is about to lose a valuable and loyal customer. They have just ripped me off for

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    image why my dad – whom i call bob (but he is still my real dad) – is a really cool dude:

  • He listens to Green Day and Eminem
  • He actually goes to see Green Day in concert
  • He drove me to my first Grateful Dead concert in San Francisco (I was 15) and let my friends and I party without intruding
  • He is the one who told me to put gum behind my ear (and then I fell asleep and got it tangled to the point that I had to cut it off)
  • He (and my mother for that part) put up with me raging through my teenage years and putting them through a million sleepless nights
  • He has perfected the art of ice cream making (for only about $400 per pint)
  • He wastes more money on stupid shit than I do
  • His dog is named Tivo
  • He has a first generation Tivo that he has hacked for more storage
  • He has his own blog
  • He won the first NEC portable computer at Comdex in 1981 and got to take a photo with Dom Delouise
  • He had a Compuserve account and a 2400 baud modem
  • He knows what PHP is – and doesn’t get it confused with PCP
  • He wears the same shirt every day (well, same make of Land’s End blue tshirt) because it is comfortable and he likes it
  • He probably spends as much money as I do on iTunes
  • He reads Harry Potter and tons of other interesting books
  • He is smarter than all the people on Jeopardy
  • He is a grumpy old bastard, but we still love him
  • He has SkypeMe buttons on his website
  • He is always online and talks to me every day on Skype
  • He had sex with my Mom at least two times to produce my brother and myself
  • He has been married to my mom for 45 years and still considers her his best friend
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    My nose is itchy. My nose is itchy and DRY. My nose is driving me crazy. At this point I will try anything to make it stop.

    This has included saline drops (which sucks as a remedy) and the most recent thing suggested to me (because in England they aren’t too hip to give you crazy concoctions to stick up your nose and snort) was putting Vaseline up my nose. To lubricate it.

    And the sad thing is that I am so desperate – at this point – that my nose is resembling Rudolf the Red Nose Deertrout – that I am actually doing it.

    Other things that Vaseline is good for:

  • Chapped lips
  • Cuts
  • Taming your bushy eyebrows
  • Making your teeth all shiney like those pagent girls
  • Removing make-up
  • Boys can use it for…well…whatever they want
  • Greasy up hot guys on the beach and watching their skin sizzle like fried chicken

    Just remember, folks, that you are not supposed to use Vaseline with condoms…the oil breaks them down. So just stick it up your nose if you can…

    it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again
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