Vision of oneself

My confession of the month:

I have a tough time reconciling who I was with who I am.  This may sound silly because obviously I am who I am and who I am is always me … and all that jibe, but a lot has changed over the course of the last year and a half.  I go between this vision that I have/had of myself and the reality of my current situation and there is quite a disparity there.

I push myself so hard to be strong, to be active, to be intelligent, to be attractive, to be funny and passionate, to be all the things that I believe myself to be, but I find myself falling short these days.  And it is hard to admit and picture the person I am now.  It is hard to be vulnerable and to admit weakness.  It is hard for me to admit pain and fear and loneliness and sadness.  So I push on every day hoping for the best and imagining things to be different from what they are, but sometimes, like this evening, I come face to face with now and I have to shed a little tear and admit that I am only human and to tell myself that it is OK to be a little different than before.