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I wish I could say that it was a love / hate relationship, but it is pretty much a complete and utter hatred at this point. I am actually ashamed of myself for even posting this but I have to come clean with this secret fascination of the worst kind of garbage television that mankind can produce. And when it comes to bottom of the barrel, The Hills is right there.

The Hills is 30 minutes – which after adverts translates to 20 minutes – of pure, unadulterated, meaningless, vapid, retarded, superficial, scripted yet plotless reality television drivel starring the most useless people that might have ever walked the earth. But they are good looking and supposedly wealthy with kewl jobs living in Hollywood. You know, just like every 20-something, Mercedes driving, Chanel bag carrying slutbag with fake tits does in LA.

So why do I watch this crap? Why do I waste even 20 minutes of my time? Because I sit there in fascination of the anger that this show seems to produce in my system.

I DON’T KNOW. But I am truly a dumber person for having even wasted this much of my time writing about it.

Really, I started out watching Laguna Beach. Which I kind of liked. Innocent teenagers running around Laguna, getting tans, breaking up on the beach, the occasional bitch fight in Cabo. Took me back to my younger days.

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But then Lauren LC moved to Hollywood and in with whorebag Heidi and everything changed.

Now the entire show basically revolves around Heidi and Lauren’s near lesbian obsession with hating each other and the King of all douchebag’s Spencer. Oh and Lauren’s queen bee attitude – you are either with me or against me – manipulation of all her friends.

I really wish that a bomb would drop on Spencer and that nasty blond pubic hair on his face and pig eyes. If you looked up typical symptoms of a wife-beater online, you should find a picture of this dickwad. (And why does he say, My Dear, all the time in that condescening tone?)

OK – actually I wish that the entire cast of the Hills would be exiled somewhere to live out the rest of their existences away from my prying eyes.

I am done with that show.

I promise.

I quit.

No more.

/end rant

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