When people ask me where I’m from I mostly lie and say San Francisco because it is too painful to even admit that I’m from Fresno. And technically, I only lived in Fresno for 6 years of my life. But it is where Mom and Pop live, so I guess I have to call it home.
10 Factoids about Fresno
1. The main population consists of conservative Republican assholes who feel the need to air their stupidity by placing dumb political statements in regards to abortion and George Bush on their lawns or bumpers of their Ford pickup trucks.
2. Fresno lacks any cultural activities for teenagers (or anyone for that matter unless you are into cow tipping) – The bulk of my teenage existance was spent at the air-conditioned Fashion Fair mall eating Carl’s Jr fried zuchinni and sipping on an Orange Julius whist cruising for boys.
3. The only activity that Fresno teenagers seems to get up to regularly is getting pregnant – and then taking their welfare babies to the aforementioned Fashion Fair mall.
4. In addition to proclaiming itself the Raisin Capital of the World (as does Selma, California), Fresno also seems to be the Meth Capital of the World with plenty being cooked up in meth labs right there in town and many tweeked out folks running around chewing their own faces off.
5. There are a lot of cowboy hillbillies and gangster wannabes in Fresno. They like to either go to the rodeo or shoot each other up like real OGs.
6. Kevin Federline is from Fresno. And, yes, I actually do know him and his family. And Graham was invited to his and Britney’s wedding. That is about the extent of fame that has been exported from the hellpit (apart from Cher). Scary really.
7. Weather in Fresno sucks. Foggy as hell during the winter and boiling heat during the summer (113 F).
8. Fresno’s mayor, Alan Autry, is best known as playing redneck Officer Bubba on the television series In the Heat of the Night. Nowadays, He is commonly referred to as Mayor Bubba.
9. Police made multiple arrests recently in a suspected gangrape of an 11-year-old by as many as eight Fresno college football players… so I guess there is something to do in Fresno after all.
10. Jeffrey Dahmer‘s mother, Joyce Flint, lives in Fresno.
And if you still don’t believe me, read this. I’m hardly the only one that thinks it is a dump…