Now that I am getting closer, but not too close, I hope, I have a few questions:
❓ Since heaven was built a few thousand years ago when they didn’t have indoor plumbing or heated toilets or TiVo or iPods, what are the accommodations like now? Have they been upgraded?
❓ If they have been upgraded, were there classes for all the folks who died not knowing what a toilet or shower is?
❓ What about toilet paper? Is there any, or do you still use leaves and grass? Or Sears, Roebuck catalogs?
❓ What about those of us who only speak English? Are there classes that we can take to learn the language (whatever it is), or are there translators?
❓ Do the dearly departed, or whatever they are called, use deodorant, or even bathe? I know this is a problem, because when Christianity became the prominent European religion, people quit bathing until about 100 years ago. Which means you have a lot of smelly people up there, and I don’t want to hang around with stinky people.
❓ Is it legal to swap DVD’s and mp3’s? There are no copyrights in heaven are there? Will iPods be provided free of charge? How long do the batteries last? Can I pick my own music, or do I have to listen to hymns all day?
❓ Do you have a library? Or a good bookstore? What about audible books?
❓ Can I bring my dog? How about my cat? Will all my pets be there? What about the goat? Is he still pissed?
❓ Do I have to live in a dorm, or will I have my own apartment, or, better yet, my own house with a pool?
❓ How will i get around? I won’t have to walk, will I? I assume gas is free, or at least heaven sponsored, and that the price is reasonable. Is that correct? Do I have my choice of vehicles? Or, can I fly anywhere I want to go?
❓ Oh, yeah, can I chose my friends? I don’t like the creepy born agains here, so I’m sure I won’t like them any better there.
❓ Are the neighborhoods integrated? Do I have to mow my own lawn? Can I hire a gardener?
❓ Which brings up the question of money; how do I get some? Will I have my choice of jobs that I am not qualified to do, but since it’s heaven, I can do anyway?
❓ Is Jim Morrison there? How about Jimi Hendrix, and Janus Joplin? Do they have a band? Or, a bar? How much are the drinks? Do you serve Mojito’s?
❓ Is Leonard Cohen correct? Was Jesus really a sailor when he walked on the water? Did he wear short pants and a sailor hat? Any photos available?
👿 I assume that Hell is pretty much as it’s always been, so I guess I don’t have any questions right now.
❓ OK, maybe one. Is there a thermostat?