Category: 
June 25, 2006
Ahh. The joys of living above a semi-rough pub in England…
First off, we get to have all kinds of fun looking people hanging around our house drinking pints and pints of lager.
Secondly, it is great during the summer months when aforementioned patrons decide that their bladders can not hold anymore lager and they decide to piss on my front door.
And last, but not least by any stretch of the imagination, is the fact that the pub’s garbage bins are conveniently placed right in front of our door. Oh what a joy this is. It also leads me to believe that most people are complete and total morons. Their hearts seem to be in the right place, however their brains are lacking any concept of how a garbage bin actually functions…
What do I mean by this?
1) Take trash
2) Open bin
3) Stick trash in bin
This is a pretty simple process that seems to be missed by about 95% of the pub’s employees and customers.
They seem to think that if you throw the rubbish next to the bin it somehow, magically, finds its way into the bin.
Sadly this is not the case.
And I am left with a giant, piss smelling mess to step out into the fresh morning air to (and I haven’t even mentioned the time that I stepped on a nail when leaving the house).
The punchline to this entire tale is that we were phoned by our landlord last week about the garbage. Turns out that the pub has complained that we throw our garbage on the ground…
I’m not sure if I am going crazy, but as far as I remember I don’t have flyers to an event named London Calling that is hosted at the Elgin Pub that I decided to throw in front of the house. Perhaps I just forgot because I was lightheaded from the urine fumes rising from the front door…
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Paladin Press recipes comes to mind if you wanna go to war. Urine + bleach = dirtnap, if done right. If you go there, start making a list of what you want us to send in your prison care package. Canned meat, cigs, and Little Debbies will make you queen of the block in the pokey, so I’ve heard.
A less felonious approach might be to ask the coppers to monitor the situation on their big brothers cams, or install one yourself if need be. A motion sensor from a cheapy security light rigged with a webcam should work, or just the cam on a timer if they’re consistently bad just around closin’ time.
Whether the cops generate some revenue, or if you just cover your ass with the landlord/civil liabilities, it’s all good.
Or, you could just move.
If, however, such close proximity to a pub is a good thing in some aspect, you could start researchin’ online whatever best neutralizes piss stank. My first guess would be saturating the concrete with something like grapefruit juice or baking soda, but first look up the chemical reactions of whatever you might use.
God forbid you should unknowingly stumble upon some little nasty outta the “Anarchist’s Cookbook” or “Poor Man’s James Bond”.