Let me preface this rant by saying that I have always loved Kevin Smith’s movies. Even Mallrats - which he points out in this book that only hardcore fans love since it pretty much tanked at the box office. Yes, I think that Mallrats is a glorious tribute to all of us children of commerce that were raised on Orange Julius and Hot Dog on a Stick. With great one liners such as - “I love the smell of commerce in the morning” to the story of Cousin Walt who keeps getting the cat stuck in his ass. Humour at its best. And to take it a step further I even have an autographed copy of the Clerks screenplay at my house. Geeky fan.

Therefore when I saw this book by Kevin Smith, I had to pick it up. I have always respected his writing ability, his dark sense of humour, his love of New Jersey (Arlie’s alma matter) and his love of superhero’s private parts.

I should have paid more attention. COLLECTED WRITINGS. Translates into: Online column republished into book form. IE, Nerdgirl should just slap itself onto paper and call itself a book of Collected Writings. IE, something that was never meant to be anything more than mindless weekly drivel that serves no purpose but to entertain myself whilst wasting time at work.

The “book” starts out fairly simple. On castings with Jason Mewes (Jay) and touches upon some Hollywood gossip (none of which is too interesting or involves Tom Cruise’s gay ass). Then moves into a 10 page rant about Britney Spears which I could have gone my whole life without wasting that much time thinking about. The book also spends countless paragraphs licking his wife’s clit and gushing over the fact that he is fat and she is hot and she still fucks him.

Then to the part of the book that made me puke and lose respect for the man. The long drawn out love fest that he calls Ben Affleck. Seriously, it goes on and on and on about how much he wants to suck Benny’s cock (well, that is how I read it). I think that he might even replace his previously mentioned wife for a chance at Ben’s bunghole. But to make matters worse (and show that his judgement is slightly fucked) he goes into what a great couple Bennifer make (yes, the former JLo not the new Mrs. Affleck). How “real” JLo is and how they are going to make it. VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a bit of celeb gossip, but this was over the top ass licking. I have no doubts that Ben Affleck is a smart, good looking guy. That is why he is paid millions of dollars per film. But I would have rather heard Kevin Smith talk about his life, inspirations, sense of humour and love of comic books then to go on any further about Ben Affleck. If I wanted Ben, I would have bought his biography.

Finally the book jumps into the making of his current movie (which was already relased). It took me a while to figure out that he is talking about the piece of crap that is called Jersey Girl starring Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck (big shocker), JLo and George Carlin. I seriously watched this movie on a plane (only because I was stuck captive for 8 hours) and didn’t even finish it because it annoyed me so badly. Which goes quite well with this book.

Damn it. I miss Clerks and Mallrats and Chasing Amy. Grrrrrrr… Has fatherhood, Holllywood and getting laid by a hot chick killed all of his creativity??? By the end of the book I was hoping that Silent Bob would stay just that. SILENT.