I am sitting on an Easy Jet flight right now. Flying back from London to Barcelona. Someone farted a really smelly fart and it woke me up and got me thinking. Nothing like a gross plane fart to kick one’s creative juices into high gear. Why is it that all farts on planes smell exactly the same? It is something to do with the pressurized cabin fake oxygen that we are all breathing in? And why the hell don’t people get their asses up and go to the toilet to fart rather than expecting me to sit here an breath it all in while it gets recycled throughout the plane? Essentially we are all breathing everyone else’s’ ass every time we are on flights. Think about that one next time you want to lay a juicy one on Easy Jet.

Another one of my pet peeves of travellers are the people that take their non-standard size hardbound suitcases as carryon luggage. Then they take up the entire fucking overhead bin by turning the thing sideways. By the time I get on the plane there is no space for my specially purchased to meet airline regulations suitcase that fits nicely in front ways and they have to check my bag. Why the fuck does the airline ever bother to make a standard size and then not enforce it? Typical. So, people, please buy the standard sized bag or check the damned thing in because I want to get out of the airport and away from you in a hurry.

Here is a note for the airlines that board the passengers then leave them sitting on the plane not going anywhere for hours. I spent the last 2 ½ hours sitting at the boarding gate on the plane not going anywhere. Trapped in this hellhole of fart. I don’t understand why they didn’t just let us all sit in the boarding area where we could at least buy some duty free cigarettes and smoke ourselves to death and get drunk. Please Easy Jet, just delay the flight next time and let us have our fun, we’ll all be much happier.

Final travel tip of the day, which I have yet to experience since I am still on the plane, but will undoubtedly happen when I land is the crowding at the luggage pickup. Does everyone really need to get as close to the fucking baggage carousel as they possibly can and to top that off put their trolley blocking everyone else’s way? I have some advice for you travellers on this one - stand back until your bag comes out then make your way slowly and calmly to the front and get you bag off then move away! How hard is that?

Adios and bon voyage to all of you. I hope that you remember these few rules of travel and make us frequent flyers a little more comfortable.