Dear K****,

Forgive me if this disturbs, upsets or fosters any uncomfortable
emotions or thoughts. More accurately, I further apologize if this letter is a
nuisance and realize that you simply taking the time to read it is an undeserved
favor.

Professionally, the last 12 months of my life have been unparalleled.
I have worked with great people in very exciting situations while
receiving a practical education unattainable through school. *Note to self: Use this as Accomplishment in resume My career has
exploded. My skill set has increased exponentially Dictionary.com Word of the Day - April 2001 and I have reached a level I
would have been content to achieve 5 or even 10 years into the future. My
family could not be more proud of my accomplishments, which in their narrow
view, is really just my salary. Some of my friends say I’m lucky. Others
have shown me newfound respect. They now take me to the Champagne Room at Lusty Lady’s. They all think I have the world right where
I want it… in my hairy palm

Well…I have the world right where they want it, or where they think
they want it. Or where I must at some point thought I wanted it. Because it’s over here, no over there, nor here, nor there, nor anywhere.

I am so sorry K****. I have been such an idiot. The biggest mistake of
my life was not being true to you and I have never felt so ashamed except for that time that Lupes caught me jerking off to Sex, Lies, and Videotapes. Sometimes I get upset about it. Other times I’ll laugh in disbelief. Accepting it is the hardest. Knowing you have done something you will regret forever
is a very disturbing feeling. How foolish could I be? How terribly stupid?

Not being true to you was not being true to myself. Allowing my
fears, my insecurities to steer my actions in directions I did not want them to
go like all the way to SF. This, I of course, recognize after the fact like when Lupes packed up all my shit and changed the locks. I was not aware that the
decisions I was making were going to lead to my greatest anti-accomplishment Note to self: Don’t put this on resume.

I think, and have always thought, you are the smartest, most spirited,
funny, beautiful woman on the planet except for Stephanie, Natalie, and Guadalupe. Cute, well mannered, a little
feisty like my chihuhua Petey. And K****, when you walk into a room…forget it. It is all over.
Everybody notices you. Your soft face reminds me of the Pilsbury Dough Boy, perfect shape. I see you all the time in those funny commercials where they poke your tummy and you giggle…

Now my days pass with the knowledge that I let this go. And you know
what? I’ll make it. Just as you will. Maybe I’ll even be stronger for it.
Just as you will. But I will never be as happy. I hope this is not the
case for you. You deserve everything. I can’t begin to explain the
appreciation I have for you. For your believing we could be together while I was off having sex with another girl. For your
effort in trying to make it so almost on the verge of delusional. For never wavering in your belief or the energy or the big ass phone bill
you were willing to put into us.

Happiness is a tough thing to find but it shouldn’t be. Actually, let
me rephrase. Happiness is an easy thing to find but tough to embrace. All
things comes with a price, a compromise, including being happy. This
price should be paid without hesitation. The only pause coming from the
smile developing over ones face. No bargaining. This is no place for a good
gescheft how exactly does gescheft translate into Portuguese?. Go and do whatever it takes. This was my mistake. This is where I completely fucked up.

The first night I met you in Cancun I had no idea of the type of person
I was speaking with. When we made plans to swim with the dolphins and I drank Tequizas from between your bosom, I
didn’t even expect they would be kept. That next morning I was so hung over I
didn’t want to go. Everyone was yelling at me to get out of bed and I
was telling them to go without me. Could you imagine?? Imagine if I didn’t
go?? My life would be without its greatest experience. Me, You and Flipper

But please know I do not view you as an experience, rather just the opposite, a constant. You are the engine that pushes me through life. You remain the source of all my inspirations. Anything I do, I do with you in mind. From simple things like buying a shirt and wondering if you will like it, to major happenings like my morning bowel movements. Whenever I accomplish something at work my first though is that you would be proud. For example, today at work I surfed the web for porn. Then smoked a cigarette. When dealing with my family it’s you who I think of. Seeing my mom more has proven to do wonders for her and in some ways myself as well. You used to tell me to do this. You are responsible for my continued motivation to do better. Wanting to do and to be better has everything to do with you. It has everything to do with you believing I was this great man that you were willing to be with despite all the obstacles. I can’t apologize enough for letting you down.

When we ended it had nothing to do with my feelings towards you and everything to do with anything else. Anything I could dream up. Some things were legitemate like would I be happy in Brazil? Would you be happy having me in Brazil ? How would your parents deal with our situation?

Other things were as trivial as how would I see a dentist? Could I get propecia if my hair started falling out? How can I cure these horrible hemmoroids? I came up with excuse after excuse. I thought I had all the answers. I had none.

Getting together with someone else was a way of trying to convince myself that I could be just as happy without having to deal with all the issues that existed because of our living arrangement. I thought I could duplicate my feelings for you with someone else. I tried as hard as I could. Going so far as to even relocate, thereby replicating my potential move to Brazil SF / Brazil = Brazil / SF. Needless to say, it wasn’t long after I arrived in California that I realized I had made a mistake the likes of which I had never made before.
I knew shortly after I had arrived in San Francisco exactly what I had done. I knew it was never going to work and I knew why. I was trying to love someone because I loved someone else, whatever sense that makes.

You can read book after book, or in my case (and yours to two, 2, oh yeah TOO, being illiterate) , watch movie after movie and pick up on all the character development, all their emotional flaws, note all the lack of communication. But when it’s your own life nothing ever seems as obvious. Or maybe I just pay more attention to movies.

K**** I don’t plan on ever meeting anyone like you especially while living at my dad’s house. I do not foresee anyone
having the impact on me that you have. I can’t imagine wanting to do the
things I want to do with you with anyone else although, I suppose anal does work on Petey, 2. And this is after not having seen you for over a year and a half. I live with this everyday. This is my punishment and while I wish I could say it is not deserved, I know better amen, say it again brother.

I know the stupid things I did that ruined us. And I know I did them all by myself it was a mastabatory fuckup. I think of how I dismantled something as solid as we could have been. I think more about how wonderful things were while they lasted though.

Seeing you K**** was what I lived for. I lived for 2 weeks every 3 months although back then I’m not sure I realized that because I had my great life in NYC - snorting coke with Ken till 4 am everyday. I know now. Being with you, wherever we were, were the best times of my life. Watching you bite into a guava the first time I visited you. Bringing you flowers when I came back from work. Getting angry because the electricity was out in my apartment because, once again, did i say i’m a loser? i forgot to pay the bill. Listening to you ask me if I like jellies ha! jellies! imagine! so crazy!. These moments
while so simple and common, with you, were full and rich and so engaging that it
wasn’t passing time waiting for excitement. They were the excitement!! They were everything. They were what anyone would want - ultimate conversations in stupidity. Every day life so robust that no matter what you are doing, its what you want to be doing because of who you are doing it with. That should be my life eating jellies, guavas, and not having electricity.

K****, you are and will remain the love of my life (now that’s a crazy sentence to watch your self type).

I wish only the best things for you in the future.

I love you, I never stopped

,
R**

PS
I hope I didn’t gross you out by sounding so cheesy. VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT